Irrevocably Changed

In the last month my life has changed irrevocably. Dzaidziu is gone and life is never going to be the same. I know I really haven't dealt with it really. While I was home for the funeral I concentrated on doing what everyone else needed me to do and didn't really give myself any thought. That was the best way to deal with it.

I feel like I've learned something about myself too. I learned that I always have the strength to do what needs to be done. After Dzaidziu's prayer service and funeral I became conscious of how many of my friends and my family treat me a bit like a China Doll as if I'm not capable of looking after myself. I really didn't like people to think that in situations where my reaction mattered that they thought I couldn't handle it.

I was the one who wrote and delivered Dzaidziu's eulogy. I did it all on my own. I shook the entire time I was speaking but I didn't cry or ruin what I was trying to get across. I made it through the entire thing and felt that I had in some small way showed people why he was so amazing. After the prayer service people kept telling me how strong I was and how they could never have done what I did. But to me, what I had done did not seem that amazing. I simply did what needed to be done. Yes I was scared I would ruin the entire thing and not do Dzaidziu justice but I still went through with it. I'm told this is what makes one strong, but to me it is just doing what needs to be done. "Courage is not the absence of fear but the judgement that something else is more important." Dzaidziu was too important to me to allow myself to mess it up, so I didn't. I don't think that makes me stronger than anyone else.

I've realized something else too. For the past 10 years I have been waiting for my life to begin. I've held off on doing things and held off buying things because I'm waiting for the right guy, or the right home or the right moment. Well to hell with that. I'm going to pick out my China pattern and I'm buying flatware! I'm going to buy the furniture I want instead of buying something second-hand because I'm waiting to get married and afford a house before I start buying stuff that I want.

Personally getting married is no longer on my list of priorities. Screw all that crap. With Dzaidziu gone there seems like there is no point anyway. He'll never be there to see it so who gives a damn! Besides that I don't want to end up like some of my married friends that have become pathetically boring in their marital bliss. I want to find someone who enjoys the same things as I do so that I can share in all the fun stuff instead of having to give it up to be with them. Being with someone for your life should improve your life not be a detriment to it.

I'm done expecting things of people because I've learned I'm only disappointed by it when they don't keep to their promises. I'm done expecting people to change when I tell them their selfish behaviour hurts me. They never take me seriously or they blame me for their behaviour. Perhaps if I start giving as little as I'm getting they will realize how I must feel but more than likely they won't and we'll just drift apart.

Most of the time I really feel like I don't belong in this life. I just feel like a square peg and everyone is trying to shove me in a round hole. And now that I have vented I feel better.